


I'm just cold!

by inky_button



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Blood and Injury, Cold, Crying, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Insecurity, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Medication, Panic Attacks, Protective Shiro (Voltron), Sad, Self-Harm, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24543424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inky_button/pseuds/inky_button
Summary: Lance gets a cold feeling that turns into depression, he could handle this, at least not alone.
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 51





	1. So it begins

It started quickly, one day he was fine then the next food tasted of nothing, felt horrible and made him feel like he would vomit, maybe he had the flu?

He started feeling unbearable cold, like someone replaced his most of the time warm heart with something cold and jagged. He felt tired like something was clawing behind his eyes, begging them to close but he wasn't actually tired, or was he? He couldn't remember, he thought he was but he'd lay down and his eyes wouldn't keep closed, his brain was silent, sickly so. He felt desperate needs to cry and sob but he just couldn't?

He couldn't really feel, he could touch the floor, it was smooth, he could touch the walls, cold metal, he could touch his skin, so soft... 

Just because his emotions couldn't feel didn't mean he had to suffer, he could- no would feel!

No one seemed to notice the small missing knife, or at least if they did no one said anything. 

He'd felt this way before but never as badly, he'd only ever hurt himself a few times, he always felt better after. He swallowed harshly as he lead the sharp point to his left arm, fast and hard were the first few, slicing like soft butter.

He shook, he wanted to feel the pain. He held down the knife, deep into his arm, he slid it down painfully slow, wincing with each small movement. It went so far down, "fuck..." how was he gonna hide this from everyone!

He pulled at his hair "Fuck! I'm so stupid, why would I do that!" he yelled at himself, blood dripping into his hair. He tost the small knife into his draw, before slamming it shut.

He wrapped it in a bandage, not bothering in to even clean it, if he go an infection he deserved it. 

" All paladins to the meeting room!" the speakers were way too loud... Lance stood, he got a good look at himself, he wipped the blood from his face, he knew his hair was a lost cause. He sighed, putton on a hat and running to the meeting room.

"Lance, is wearing hats inside rude?" Shiro raised a brow at him.

Lance shrugged "I tried to cut my hair but I didn't get to finish it," why did he say that! Now he had to actually cut his hair!!

Pidge rolled her eyes, "A haircut won't impress Allura you know?" she looks so smug.

"No one said that's what I was trying to do. Maybe I just think my hair was getting too long!" why was hw getting so upset? Maybe because people think he only cares about girls? 'maybe you shouldn't firt so much then!' his head screamed at him

"Touche,"

Lance didn't mean to not pay attention, he just was so tired, his eyes threatened to close and not open again. He knew two languages but what was being told to him truly was gibberish! Everyone was saying their piece but him, he couldn't say anything, he'd sound like an idiot! 'You always sound like an idiot!' owch...

The cold feeling build, he felt frozen, slowed by the cold taking over his body, he watched everyone's lips keep moving. 

".... Nce!"

".... Ance!"

Lance had a hand waved in his face. "Lance!" Allura yelled in his face.

"yes?" he replied, sheepishly.

Allura looked furious, "Did you listen to a word I've said!"

He looked down, sighing, "I'm sorry."

"Lance why weren't you listening? This is important!" Shiro sounded like he was going to give a lecture... Great!

Lance shrugged, "I was trying to listening, I guess I'm just tired?" it sounded like a question, definitely a question. 'Are you sure about anything you do!?'

Pidge smirked, "He was probably just distracted by Allura, he was just staring at her!"

Lance bit his tongue 'don't make a fool of yourself!'

Both Allura and Shiro shock their heads, "Lance pay more attention." the meeting contuined.

He cute the blood out of his hair, it didn't look good, 'You never look good, what does it matter!' harsh.

He sat on his floor, in the dark, he just sat with no thoughts only silence, he'd really made himself look like a twat in the meeting. He held his knees to his chest, he felt so sad. Sad was better than nothing.

Tears dripped down before he could even feel them, he did nothing to stop them, soon his body sobbed. The dinner alarm rung, that doesn't mean he went, he stayed, letting his body retk up and down with each brutal sobs. 

He felt like he had no engery, his eyes finally closed, letting him sleep. He felt blue, she screamed at him to go look after himself, food could wait. 

Keith knocked on lances door by got no reply, he opened the door, lance was on the floor, against the wall asleep. He looked behind him to make sure no one was around, hafter seeing no one he picked lance up, putting him in his bed and putting the covers over him, "Night buddy..." it was so soft.

He left the room only to return minutes later with a bowl of food and a cup of water, he left it on the desk. 

Lance woke, he looked at the clock, '03:25' he huffed "Early." he whined, he felt the bed underhim "How'd I?" he looked at his desk, he spotted the food, "Someone seems to care, wonder who..." he mumbled to himself.

He felt numb, he wanted some music to drown out the silence 'or you could just drown yourself!' his brain yelled, he felt so shit, even after his cry.


	2. Two kinds of new cuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith knows what's going on and lance gets a new hair cut

He stood from his bed, walking to the door with his bowl of food in hand. The door opened so be walked slowly down the hall not wanting to wake anyone.

He made his way to the kitchen, cleaning out his bowl in the sink. "Lance?" he jumped at the sleepy voice before sighing in relief, it was just Keith.

"You scared me." he let out a huffed chuckle.

Keith looked lance up and down, his eyes landed on Lance's hair, Keith was desperately trying to keep a straight face, "Oh, lance... Your hair, it looks... It's unique!"

Lance's small smile faded, he shrugged and put the clean bowl on the side, "Unique is a nice way of saying bad."

"Not all the time."

Lance rolled his eyes, "If a person says you're unique they can't actually find anything good to say about you, that's why everyone calls me unique," he'd said it so bluntly.

Keith had to give himself a second to take in the words, "That's not true, it's just because you do things your own way."

Lance snorted "There are three ways to do something, the wrong way, the right way and the lance way."

"What's the lance way?"

"The wrong way but faster."

Keith couldn't tell if it was a joke or not, was lance actually doubting himself? He hummed in thought, "Want me to fix your hair?"

Lance shrugged "Do you even know how to cut hair?"

Keith blushed a tad, letting his hand cup the back of his neck, "Um, shiro used to let me cut his hair. He says I give good fades." Keith turned his face so lance couldn't see him.

Lance actually smiled "Okay, what do you need to do it?"

"A comb and some scissors."

Lance nodded "Let's go to my room, I have both of those things."

They walked to Lance's room, Keith wrapped a blanket round Lance's neck and got to work, the pair were quiet just enjoying each others companion. Soon Keith was finished. 

"Does it look okay...?" lance muttered

"Why don't we go to the mirror and see for yourself?" mirror, mirror was in the bathroom, the bathroom lance hadn't cleaned up, the bathroom with a bloody knife in the sink!

His eyes widened, panic written on his face, "No!" he said too quickly, "I mean, I'll take your word for it, thank you but-" he cut himself off with a fake yawn, his stomach flipped "I'm just so tired! Thank you, bye!" he stood and tried to guide Keith out of his room.

Keith gave a confused look, "What's gotten into you, let me just pee quickly and I'll be out of your hair?"

"No, please leave!" he almost begged, a small whimper in his voice, threatening to make it crack.

"Are you hiding something?" he raised a brow at lance, he looked like he was on the edge of tears. Lance squeezed his eyes tight, shaking his head. "I'm not gonna judge you, I just need to piss." if Keith was being honest he thought it would be something like a sex toy. As he got passed lance into the small bathroom what he found was most definitely not a sex toy.

His heart dropped. His stomach flopped." Lance...? "

"I made a mistake okay!" his tears finally spilled, he held his fists tight.

Keith shushed him, "I'm not mad, just tell me what happened? Please?" he felt sick, there was so much blood and chunks of red hair... That's when the knife caught his attention, covered in blood.

Lance looked so guilty. "Assuming makes an ass out of you and me so tell me before I say what I think happened."

Lance looked at the floor, he let out a shaky breath "I hurt myself." the confession was full of shame, his voice broke.

Keith came closer, pulling him into a hug, "I'm sorry."

Lance finally looked away from the floor, he almost looked angry at Keith "Why are you sorry!"

"Because I didn't notice. I didn't help!"

"It's not your job to babysit me, not yours or anyone else job to make sure I'm okay, why should you have to listen to me being upset like I'm just stup-"

"Don't finish that sentence! The only stupid thing you did was not talk to anyone about how you felt." he took in a deep breath, trying to compose himself, "Now, I won't tell anyone else, if you promise to at least talk to me about this stuff and promise that when you feel this bad to make it known, deal?"

Lance his head nodded. 

"this sounds dumb but like even if we're with the others I want you to make it known even just to me, how about everyone you feel bad you say magpie? The others won't notice a bird!"

It was only three days later, Keith had been coming to Lance's room ever night and they'd just talk. 

The meeting was hard to listen to, he started feeling the cold numbness once again, he felt sick and shakey, he was numb but felt everything, a pit build and kept growing. He pointed at the window into space "A magpie!" he pointed, he felt stupid. He covered his mouth.

Pidge gave a confused look, "There aren't any birds in space, don't be stupid lance!"

Maybe he was stupid... He should have just kept it to himself, what was anyone meant to do about it anyway! He felt his heart rate pick up, he felt even more shakey. He was hugging himself with one arm the other by his side. He looked stupid!

Keith moved to stand next to lance, letting his finger tips touch Lance's. 

Lance looked at Keith then back to the floor, he didn't want to distract Keith from the meeting, that would be selfish. Maybe he was selfish- his thoughts were interrupted by althe warmth of Keith's soft hands, Keith's thumb rubbed circles on Lance's palm. Maybe lance could do this...

He took in a shakey breath, he mouthed the words 'thank you' he could do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't think of any ideas! Got any?


	3. Goodbye Magpie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance attempts to kill himself, he gets saved by a nightmare.

Training, the training deck was filled with robots they had to beat, Lance was struggling to keep up with them all, no matter how many he got there always seemed to be another! "They're running circles around us!" he yelled.

"No shit Lance!" Pidge growled as she was hit by another bot. She'd been working out some bugs in the old machines but she did more damage than seemingly, it caused some malfunction and now the robots wouldn't stop coming!

"Do not yell at him!" Keith's voice was filled with anger, he bashed another robot to the ground. After his discovery he and Lance had gotten closer, some may say he was protective.

Shiro looked over to the group of squabbling teens, he watched a bot hit Lance down, "Lance!" he screamed. Keith ran to Lance's side, he jammed his knife into the metal, his action's full of fury. "Pidge you need to fix this! We can't just destroy them all!" she nodded, running out of the room heading for the control room.

The robot had hit Lance's head, he was dazed. "Are you alright?" Keith asked. he was taking on the bots around lance.

Lance felt like a failure, he was meant to be helping his team not hindering them! He bit down on his lips, now was not the time for a breakdown! he nodded, "I'm fine, magpie." he slurred, he said the name so quiet but Keith caught it. He nodded smiling softly at the taller man.

The room went black, all the sound stopped. "Did she turn off the power?" Keith chuckled, "I guess it's a temporary solution." 

Shiro smiled proudly, "Smart girl, gives her time to figure it out." he looked down at Lance who was still on the floor, "Do you need to do to medbay?" 

Lance shook his head, "Nah, I'm good just dizzy." he didn't want to bother people by needing attention.

Shiro hummed "If you're sure. But stay with someone." he added just in case he started feeling worse.

Keith helped lance to his room, they sat on Keith's bed. "So how you feeling?"

Lance let out a bitter chuckle "Emotionally or physically?" Keith just gave a look, "I feel like I let you down, I should have given more attention to the bots but I didn't, I got knocked down and I was useless. I always feel useless."

Keith gave a sympathetic look, "You are one of the most important people on this team, you keep everyone together when everyone's down you make them smile." he let a soft smile overtake his face, "You never fail anyone, seeing you happy is one of the best things I- this team get to see!" he blushed at his own words.

Lance smiled as he pushed Keith's arm, he laughed "Fuckin' dork!" 

"What! It's true, your smile is nice to see, just shh!" he snorted "You're the dork." 

Lance stuck his tongue out, "Where's my emo rival gone?" He teased.

Keith rolled his eyes and sighed "Feeling any better?" 

Lance shrugged "Don't feel like having a breakdown so Yeah."

"I wanted to slap pidge when she yelled at you," he confessed.

"I could tell." he looked at Keith, "Thank you, for like not doing that?" 

it was late, maybe 3 am? Lance lost track of time, he was left awake after Keith left his bedroom for the night. Spikes of guilt hit him, he felt like he was stealing people's time like no one actually wanted to be around him, everyone just felt sorry for him. they'd be happier without him. But if someone did care he couldn't hurt them like that!

'why would anyone care about you?' his thoughts screamed. he wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow him whole, he let out a strangled sob, his own sore throat, cutting it short. He could easily take his bayard and shoot himself or he could let himself bleed out, or he could take himself out in the airlock, which would be less messy. 

He stood shakily, he opened his door, running down the hall to the airlock. He stood with his hand over the first button, almost seemingly in a staring contest with the button. 

Keith shot up, his face dripping with tears, he'd had a nightmare. He found Lance dead in the bathroom, covered in his own blood, he knew it wasn't real but something was wrong, he needed to go to Lance's room! He jumped out of bed running to Lance's room, opening it without knocking. He felt panic take over him when Lance wasn't in his bed, he opened the bathroom door, empty. He shook, his breathing sped up.

He turned to leave the room. He ran down the halls when he heard it. "Goodbye magpie..." it was a sad whisper. he sprinted to the sound, he watched Lance's hand touch the button to the airlock, he grabbed him, slamming his hand on the button closing the first button to the airlock, thank god there was two-doors...

He pulled himself and Lance on to the floor, grabbing Lance as closely as he could. The two cried, sobbing loudly "I'm right here, no goodbyes." Keith let his shakey voice fill Lance's ears. "I'm not angry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left you alone!" 

Lance sobbed into Keith's chest, "I don't know what I was thinking!" 

Their crying must have alerted the closest room because Shiro was soon by their sides, he looked blown away, confused. "Why are you two- Are you okay?" 

"I'm handling it," Keith stated between cries, his voice shaking as he said it.

Shiro crouched so he'd be level with the two boys on the floor, he shook his head, just taking in what he could from the situation. "As the leader, I need to help my team but as your two's friend I need to know what's going." It was stern but not threatening.

Lance shakily removed his head from Keith's chest. he took a deep breath. he gulped, looking Shiro in the eyes he stated: "I think I'm suicidal." 

Shiro's eye's widened in shock, he didn't know what he thought was going to happen but he really didn't think it would be that. "You think?" he didn't know what else to say.

"I think it's a definite considering he just tried to throw himself out the airlock!" both boys were crying and shaking next to the door.

Shiro let a tear slip down his own face, "I'm sorry, I didn't know." his team looked up to him and he didn't even notice Lance was suicidal? He came closer to the pair, embracing them both, "I'm so sorry." he whispered, shaking his head.

they stayed in that hug for what felt like hours before anyone stopped crying. Keith was the first to speak again "Did you hurt yourself anymore?" he felt a shake, he wanted to trust lance but he asked anyway "Can I see?" Lance nodded, pulling out of the hug and rolling up his sleeves, no fresh cuts but some were definitely recent, he'd hurt himself a few times only yesterday but Keith was notified after it happened.

Shiro looking in shock and pity at Lance's arm, It looked like a warzone. A few were very inflamed, red, bumpy, and just gross. Shiro had seen horrible things but nothing could prepare him for seeing his young teammate hurting himself, it held a different weight. Seeing the aftermath of something you could have help prevent, he felt guilty for Lance's crimes against himself. "How didn't I know?" he asked more to himself than the two teens

"I'm good at hiding things, please don't be sorry for something I did!" Lance pleaded.

"Okay." Shiro took a breath, "Let's have a fresh start, do you need meds?"

Lance let out a bitter laugh, "Meds have never helped, meds don't make you better they make your motivation so low that you don't have the will to kill yourself, that and it kills your sex drive." he shrugged "Back on earth I was told I'm impulsively suicidal so basically, I don't plan anything but if my brain says do it then I struggle to not do it."

Keith hummed in thought, "So if you had someone with you would it help?" 

"I wouldn't want anyone to have to babysit me, it's just not fair on anyone. I take up enough of your time magpie." the name actually made him smile, it brought this bittersweet comfort as Keith grabbed his hand, squeezing it lightly, almost lovingly.

Keith frowned "It's not babysitting, I like being around you, I enjoy spending time you, I love seeing you happy and you seem really happy when you have those moments together." Keith squeezed Lance's hand tightly, "I don't care what you say, You are sleeping in my room with me from now on!" 

Lance smiled, pulling Keith into a hug "Thank you, mullet." 

Shiro gave a knowing look, "You're making fun of his hair? you have a skin fade, Lance."

"Shut up, Keith cut my hair!" He faked a frown "Don't call it a skin fade, that sounds like a disease!" 

Keith smirked, "It is if garrison taught me anything, its symptoms are fuckboi."

"shut up magpie!" the nickname brought a smile to his face, he pulled the back of Keith's hair forward, effectively blinding him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when he says goodbye magpie, its meant to mean like goodbye sadness , because its the codewords for "Im not okay" at the end the sadness of the word get taken away, now bringing hims comfort as he knows when hes upset that word will bring him what he needs.


End file.
